The following was emailed to a musician who falls to the liberal side of the political scene and was ranting against the republicans for voicing opposition to some of Obama's new legislative endeavors:

Dude, you've got to chill out on the extreme political dogma. You're missing the point. It's not Democrats versus Republicans; it's Spy vs. Spy; it's us versus them; it's the citizens versus the political machines. I don't have too much experience with independents or Libertarians (or Librarians for that matter) but in my 52 years of watching our political process I have found that you can't trust any of the mainline political parties. The mainline political parties, just like organized religions, need to be monitored like paroled pedophiles because both the political and religious institutions are so far away from the wise men and prophets that founded them.

The pending health care legislation is splitting our elected representatives right down party lines but there is one issue that both the democratic and republican senators and representatives agree upon: it won't apply to them. They will have their own seperate life-long guaranteed platinum health care benefits. You can't trust any of them.

And regardless of who is "in charge" it will still be a cluster. Bush wasn't the smartest stinger in the beehive certainly. He believed that there was no problem that couldn't be solved with the proper amount of explosives and Dick Cheney probably told him that math skills were not a pre-requisite for the job of the chief executive, but for all the damage that he did ( or is perceived to have done) in international relations and the economy remember that the Democrats were in control of both houses of congress during his second term and they didn't do too much to forsee or prevent the financial collaspe even though they headed up all the finance and banking committees. You can't trust any of them.

The men and women in Washington flush more money down the toilet in one hour than you and I would ever see in 100 lifetimes. Bush racked up a record setting deficit in 8 years but Obama has shown exactly what an under-achiever he really was; he tripled Bush's deficit in a matter of a few measley months. Don't get me wrong, a huge wad of cash was needed to get things moving again but these bills and bailout packages are stuffed with more pork than an Arkansas barbeque pit on Labor Day. The legislators, both Republican and Democrat, who do that should be hunted down and have industrial metered volts of electricity pumped through their private parts. You can't trust any of them.

They pass bills that none of them have read. For God's sake, doesn't Evelyn Wood have an office in the beltway? You can't trust any of them.

Bush put a man in charge of FEMA who ran a horse track and Obama put a man in charge of the Treasury that didn't pay his taxes. You can't trust any of them.

We are no longer looking for the best candidate but the lessor of two evils. What a sad state of affairs.

The last administration had a hard time admitting that the economy was in a recession; the current administration is having a hard time admitting that we are still in one. You can't trust any of them.

Everyday I see news postings where an administration official is asked if the economy is improving. The official shakes his Magic 8 ball and says "all signs point to Yes". I'm not seeing it in my paycheck or my savings plans. The only organization thriving in the current economy is Wal-Mart which I suppose is appropriate since they spearheaded the collapse by buying all of their merchandise from sweat-shop overseas manufacturers. It won't be long before Lady Liberty is standing in the harbor wearing a blue vest and holding a Wal-Mart sales flyer instead of the bible and the inscription at the bottom of her base wll be changed from "Give me your tired, your poor" to "Welcome to Wal-Merica, would you like a shopping cart? We have a great sale on politicians and dignity this week".

We went from Bush who was pretty far to the right to Obama who is so far left that he is passing Socialism, collecting his $200, and progressing on to Communism. And you my friend, above all people, should remember that John Lennon wisely said that "if you go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make with anyone, any how. (I truley hope) it's gonna be alright".

The Tragic Election Year

I, for one, am particularly delighted to see the Clintonian house of cards on the verge of imploding. The Billary’s are slick manipulators who, at best, have used their political power and connections for their own personal gain and at worst they are criminals who have used their political power and connections to evade investigation and prosecution. The fact that their negative campaign strategy is backfiring and the voters are ignoring them en mass is quite satisfying. Stress brings out the true character in people and the Clinton campaign is showing us that their (since this candidacy is a two for one deal) tenure in office would be filled with shirked responsibility, finger-pointing, and firings. Good riddance.

What is puzzling is that Barack Obama has become the darling of the Democratic Party and others who are impaired in the ability to apply critical thinking. Look past the Central Casting Presidential Image and you’ll find vague references to his mission with no plan and no clue. But the Celebricrats are lined up under the spell of Obamania. Oprah thinks she has backed the winner. Ted Kennedy gave a thrilling speech of support (which must have caused a lot of swearing and plate throwing at the Clinton household—be carefully Teddy…it’s time for the two families to go to the mattresses). Teddy’s oratory was very moving but all it really means is that a deal has been made what the Kennedy family will get for their betrayal of the Clinton family remains to be seen. Caroline Kennedy has also entered the realm of king maker.

Both Teddy and Caroline told us that Barack is the second coming of JFK. Can this really be true? Let’s examine this further. What do we know about John F. Kennedy?

1. He believed, fought for, and served this country in time of war and led her during the early days of the cold war.

2. He was a war hero. When his boat was destroyed he got the survivors to safety, eluded and escaped the enemy and got the survivors home.

3. He was tough, determined, believed in a strong defense, and did not blink when the Soviet Union began knocking on our door some seventy miles off Florida.

Wait a minute…this sounds much more like McCain than Obama. McCain also believes, fought for, and served this country in time of war, peace, and international turmoil. McCain is also a war hero. He was a Vietnam POW who refused to be released because he knew it was merely a propaganda ploy for North Vietnam.

Obama is none of this. He disrespects this county by trashing our flag, our national symbol. In an appearance in Iowa in September of 2007 as the national anthem was played he did not stand at attention with hand over heart; he stood at ease with hands folded in front of him. Take a good look at the picture below. He looks uncomfortable as the Stars Spangled Banner is played.
A campaign spokesperson stated “Sometime he does, sometimes he doesn’t. In no way was he making any kind of a statement.” Well, this picture clearly made a statement to me.

Further Obama has decided not to wear an American Flag lapel pin stating “I decided that I won’t wear that pin on my chest…shortly after 9/11…that became a substitute for true patriotism.”

No, Barack. The American Flag is not a substitute for patriotism, it is the symbol of our patriotism, and it is the symbol of our country, our ideals, and our people. All of which you nonchalantly dismiss. I do not want a part-time patriotic President with and unknown agenda.

And the anti-American rhetoric keeps coming. Look at this wife’s recent statement “For the first time in my adult lifetime I am really proud of my country, and not just because Barack has done well but because I think people are hungry for change.” And just what will that change be? I’m not sure I want to find out.

Me…I don’t want change; I want strength. Strengthen our economy; strengthen our defense and intelligence gathering capabilities. Do that and the rest of the country’s needs will fall into place. Don’t bring me change; bring me support for our Constitution and its Amendments. Our Founding Fathers gave us democracy in an era of monarchs, emperors, tsars, dictators, and despots. Don’t change it, celebrate it and build upon it. Old Glory, the symbol Barack disrespects, has led this country through the challenges of Independence, Civil War, expansionism, two world wars, the space race, the cold war, and now, global terror. Long may she wave over the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Lastly, stop the inane practice of having presidential candidates make the rounds on the talk and entertainment TV shows. This started with Bill Clinton playing his saxophone on the Arsenio Hall show and this year the candidates are showing up on Ellen DeGeneres, Saturday Night Live, and various Comedy Central programs. This is a desperate appeal to the lowest common denominator and completely undignified. Stop it before I see Hillary sitting between Paula and Simon telling some poor stiff from Omaha that his rendition of the Pina Colada song was a bit pitchy.

Cold and Flu Season

I feel so bad today that if I was a dog my wife would have me euthanized

It has been a long time since I have felt this bad. I hope you will forgive any errant spelling issues as my fine motor skills are diminished and I am peering through two Venetian slits that heretofore, as Walt Disney would say, were the eyes of Joy and Wonder. (Joy and Wonder of course being the two deceased organ donors that provided my corneal transplant.)

I am having a difficult time sleeping due to the expectorant I am taking. The packaging warns of that and warns that the cough suppressant may also cause slight, occasional constipation. Saying it may cause slight occasional constipation is like saying that the Hoover Dam may retain water three to five days a month.

I should not feel this bad as I had the flu shot. Unfortunately what they also don't tell you is that the flu shot is just a tad more effective than a bowl of chicken soup and the proverbial "apple a day" we learned about in Kindergarten. My corporate suspicions tend to make me think that somehow the insurance companies are involved and use the same process for compounding viral vaccinations that they use for claims management; "This claim is not covered and this strain is not covered, this claim is not covered and this strain is not covered."

At least my oldest and I can spend some quality father-daughter time today sharing the Kleenex and disinfecting the thermometer.

One Star Still Shines Brightly

Don Rickles at the Mystic Casino, Prior Lake, Minnesota December 30th, 2007

While my last posting decried the demise of the Television star, there is one remaining star still shining and we were lucky to see him on Sunday night. Don Rickles certainly qualifies as a television star but not due to any of his own TV shows (The Don Rickles Show-attempted twice [1968 & 1972], CPO Sharkey in 1976, Foul Ups, Bleeps & Blunders in 1984, and Daddy Dearest in 1993 all ended in a season or two). Don’s television stardom is derived from his “killer” appearances as a talk show guest, most notably on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

Growing up in New York Don had the opportunity to see live stage productions which sparked his desire to become an entertainer. World War two came about just as he graduated high school and Don tried to convince the US Navy to put him into Special Services telling them he was a skilled singer, dancer, actor, and impressionist. The Navy didn’t bite and Don became a regular sailor.

Once discharged Don seriously pursued acting, studying at the prestigious American Academy of Dramatic Arts attending with the likes of Lauren Bacall, Anne Bancroft, Kirk Douglas, and Grace Kelly all of whom went on to theatrical greatness. Don did appear in A-list movies such as “Run Silent, Run Deep” with Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster, “Kelly’s Heroes” with Clint Eastwood, and “Casino” with Robert De Niro. However he also appeared in B-list Drive-in Move fare like “X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes”, “Muscle Beach Party”, “Bikini Beach”, “Pajama Party”, and “Beach Blanket Bingo” with Frankie and Annette. Apparently nothing said ‘60’s beach party like Don Rickles.

Don took a different career path than most of his Academy alumni starting as the comedian who told jokes in between strippers at Burlesque shows. But jokes really weren’t Don’s forte and he began to rely more and more on cultivating an insulting interaction with the audience. This developed into Don’s act and he eventually parlayed it into Las Vegas stardom. He attributes his success to two people: his mother and Frank Sinatra. As he tells the story he was working small clubs in Miami and his big show business break occurred when Don’s mother petitioned Dolly Sinatra, Frank’s mother, to have her famous son stop by and catch Don’s show. The rest, as it is said, is show business history.

Mystic Lake Casino Show

Don was here for two shows, Monday-New Year’s Eve (which sold out very quickly) and Sunday, December 30th which was the show we attended.

The show began with a very typical and very forgettable female singer belting out “For Once in My Life”. The best part of her act was that she only performed for 30 minutes. She oozed the slimy, phony confidence of a D-list lounge crooner who probably traded the stability of singing back-up in small Vegas shows in order to be the opening act of a road bound performer. I had a difficult time discerning the melody in the standards she sang and the only notable feature about her performance was her rather large frontal endowments and the way she cupped them with her left hand as she sang. I would not have bothered to even bring this up except that it was so predominant that my wife mentioned it on the way home. I thought that perhaps the singer was preoccupied with them because they were new. Maybe they had been a Christmas present from a wealthy patron.

After she ended and exited to the right, the white stage lights dimmed to blue, the band’s trumpet section belted out the Matador’s fanfare while Don’s manager cued up the off stage mic “And now, Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles”. The side door to the left of the audience opened and Don entered highlighted by a single spot light. He is now 81 years old, his upper back and shoulders are hunched, and his quick gait has slowed to a moderate shuffle. Many times during his act he likes to feign mock exasperation and drops the microphone. The effort to retrieve the mic is one of prolonged strain making you wonder if he will be able to pick it up and how many more times will he be able to do it.

While the body is constrained by age, the mind is sharp and quick. His timing is spot on and many times during the show he picks on audience members, first asking their name. He returns to them throughout the evening never struggling or stumbling to remember their name, their age, their occupation, or the number of years they have been married. At the end of the show he introduced each member of the Mystic Lake Casino house band, without having to refer to a list. This is a feat that I cannot equal and Don is 30 years my senior.

On December 2nd, HBO presented their documentary “Mr. Warmth, the Don Rickles Project”.

It contained a fair amount of footage from some of his performances in the Spring of 2007. I figured that what was shown would be the same act we would get. I was right, but I was in no way disappointed.

His act may be the same but his interaction with the audience allows the spontaneous material to tailor itself to the new location and audience “victims”. The twist for this performance was the fact that he was in Minneapolis in the winter as he peppered us with quips like “52 years in the business I’ve never had a Norwegian broad ringside at one of my shows” (after asking an audience member what her heritage was), “What’s a black man doing in Minnesota” (after spotting an African-American woodwind player in the house band), and “Jew’s don’t live in Minnesota, we just own the trucks that bring you the supplies”. Later in the show he told us that his father’s dentist was James Cagney’s brother and, as Don was first starting out, his father arranged an audience for him with Jimmy, at the dentist office. He then did an uncanny Cagney impression recounting how Jimmy had warned him of continual rejection and that he would only make it if he believed in himself and had perseverance and heart. Don then looked skyward, shouting “Jimmy, Jimmy, I finally made it—I’m in Minneapolis!”

While the show was funny, it was also bittersweet. At one point Don sang “(I’ll trade you) Laughter for Love” and I noted a couple of things: he actually has a pretty good singing voice and, he very visibly welled up toward the end of the song. I tend to remember that “Laughter for Love” was one of Johnny Carson’s favorite songs…I wonder if that was his emotional association.

Don Rickles is one of the last remaining show business legends still performing. I am so very glad that I had the opportunity to experience his humor and tenderness.

The Stars Are Missing From My Evenings

What has happened to the state of Prime Time Television? Yes, the writers are on strike but that’s not the issue. Even prior to the strike, television offered shows that did not interest me performed by lackluster actors. The Stars have disappeared from my nights along with their sit-coms.

There was a time in my life, when I watched TV during dinner and through bedtime. Much of that time was spent in the era before the saturation of cable TV which now provides me with over 300 channels of nothing I want to watch. The art of writing an interesting and funny script and the creation of durable characters has been supplanted by the do-it-yourself, one-size-fits-all scripted outline that is the reality show. That it is not to say that a new reality concept cannot draw my attention, however their novelty wears thin after one season. The current Gross National Product of the reality mills is hardly a blip on my radar screen.

I don’t care who Survived, won the Amazing Race, Factored their Fear, Flipped their House, Traded their Spaces, or Got an Extreme Makeover While You Were Out. I’m not interested in who will be America’s Next Top Model, America’s Idol, or what horrid fashions some group of out-of-the-closet amateur designers will Project down the Runway. I don’t care to watch someone chop a motorcycle, Pimp their Ride, Make a Band, or find out What Not To Wear.

Clearly there is no truth in advertising, at least in reality TV show titles. Nothing happening in the Real World or to the Real Housewives of Orange County actually happens in most people’s real world and if Trading Spouses or Wife Swap were true to their titles then the programs could not be broadcast on network TV or basic cable. And in terms of The Biggest Loser? In my book that would be anyone who regularly watches these shows.

I know that this is Nielson blasphemy but the two worst offenders are the two highest rated: American Idol and Extreme Makeover: The Home Edition. I will admit that I watched the first season of Idol with curious amazement but future editions have disgustingly demonstrated that the producers stack the deck with clearly untalented and frequently mentally challenged contestants during the preliminary auditions and subject them to prime time humiliation and spirit crushing cruelty from the pompous British bully. This is just a barely updated version of bringing in the village idiot or foole for the amusement and ridicule by the medieval King and his court. The proliferation of these embarrassing auditions makes me wonder if many of these people come down to the tryouts highly prepared to do their worst knowing that a bizarre performance will increase their chances of obtaining five minutes of fame—kind of the “Let’s Make a Deal” syndrome; the more outlandish the costume the more likely it is that Monte Hall will offer you what’s behind the curtain or the box that Jay and Carol Merrill have on the floor. I wonder how many truly talented singers don’t get their chance to audition because the producers are looking for sideshow freaks to pull in the suckers.

To my mind however, the criminal offender is Extreme Makeover: The Home Edition. Each week Ty Pennington and crew take a deserving and often destitute family, pack them up and send them off to Disney World while they build them a new house. A very noble venture but alas, it’s all for show. Numerous follow-up interviews with the recipients prove that the hastily thrown together house is left with portions that fall apart and/or features that never worked to begin with. A show was recently filmed near us and after the construction blitzkrieg the crew up and departed very quickly leaving the subject family without any instruction on how things worked and left the neighbors with torn up lawns, destroyed landscaping, and denials of responsibility. The premise of this show is generous and heartwarming, but the reality of this reality show is that it is all just a show for the TV cameras instead of the humanitarian effort it is portrayed to be. The pity of it all is that ABC could easily have a follow-up crew make everything right for the homeowner and neighbors, but that is clearly not their focus.

None of this is to say that I have never been a frequent watcher of reality TV. When Cops debuted in 1989 I followed it religiously for several years. But it eventually became tiresome and repetitive. The locations may have changed weekly but the stories did not. The obvious repeated moral of the stories is stinging and depressing; those who fail to take advantage of the education that is offered to them, enter into and stay in abusive relationships, involve themselves or get involved with others who abuse drugs and/or alcohol will eventually have the Fox TV crew come to their town and they’ll be “filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement”. For reasons beyond my understanding they will sign Fox’s liability release and their humiliating life story will be endlessly syndicated on multiple broadcast and cable channels each day.

There are many television critics and observers who feel that the reality shows are multiplying like rabbits because they are cheaper to produce than dramas, sit-coms, or variety shows. While this may be true I think that an additional and large contributor lies in the fact that the television industry has lost the ability to develop enduring characters and write interesting and funny shows. Moreover, Hollywood has lost the ability to develop TV stars. I grew up on Jack Benny, Bob Hope, I Love Lucy, the Carol Burnett show, Red Skelton, and the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. These shows thrived on great situational concepts, great writing, and having genuine and experienced TV Stars out front. Jack Benny and Red Skelton cut their teeth on vaudeville and then radio.

By the time television came on the scene they were naturals for the medium. Put Jack Benny in any situation and he can save the show by perfectly timing a pregnant pause, a double take, and by exasperatingly utter the word “well”.

Red Skelton could play a comedic character and, like Bob Hope, was a master at the improvised quip.

Jack, Bob and Red passed their legacy on to Johnny Carson who was funny, could think on his feet, time a perfect come-back, was a great straight man, and was at his very best when the bit was bombing.

Ask anyone for their top five or ten funniest moments on television and invariably a Carol Burnett show skit will be near the top of their list. Put Carol, Harvey Korman, and Tim Conway on stage and you had comedic lighting in a bottle.

Examine the work of Carol, Harvey, Tim, Jack, Bob, Red, and Johnny and you’ll find that the one thing they have in common is that their performance could make a good script better and they could work their way through a bad script and still mine entertaining gold out of it. These folks were true Stars, television royalty and their likes have all but disappeared. Everyone of them was (or still is) genuinely funny, possessed tremendous charisma, and had the ability to light up any room they walked into. The energy in Bob Hope’s eyes and smile could power a moderate sized city.

Go back to the aforementioned list of funniest moments and at least one episode of I Love Lucy will be on the list: Lucy locked in the meat locker, Lucy hawking Vitameatavegamin, Lucy and Ethel at the Candy Factory, Lucy stomping grapes, the “Slowly I Turned” comedian squirting Lucy with seltzer water and hitting her with a pie, Lucy on the ledge with Superman George Reeves, the episode where she tells Ricky she is pregnant, the episode where she has the baby, and any of the “visit to Hollywood” shows. If the top ten funniest moments only contained I Love Lucy shows it would still be a pretty darn good list.

I Love Lucy is a great illustration of everything I have been talking about. It had a superb writing staff and a great group of performers. The show was magic; it was the perfect storm of television situation comedies. It has endured. I Love Lucy ended its original run exactly 50 years ago but it has engaged a new generation of viewers in every decade. My daughters have no use for black & white TV shows and the remote control speeds over them with intense deliberation, unless they catch a split second image of Lucy, Desi Arnez, Viven Vance or William Frawley. The reason is both simple and grand; I love Lucy showcased great scripts performed by sharply honed Stars.

Since the mid-1980’s television performers have been decidedly forgettable. Their shows were a bunch of mediocre, unmemorable time slot fillers presenting generic scripts performed by homogenized casts. It is unfathomable to me that they live on in syndication and that people actually shell out hard earned cash to buy full seasons of “The Nanny”, “Rosanne”, and “The Facts of Life”.

Thank god Desi had the business acumen to demand the rights to the show and decided to film them so we can still enjoy them today. Thank god for the Carol Burnett Show compilations on DVD and thank god for the extensive archives of the best of Johnny Carson. Thank god we have the recorded videos since the days of the TV stars are dead. “Long Live the TV Star”.

An Ode To Those Who Worked on Christmas Eve Lovingly Titled "Holding Down the Fort"

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and like it or not,
The office was open, “Gee, Thanks a lot”;

The parking lot was packed with all the snow that had accrued,
Making me wonder, “Who is supposed to make sure this stuff gets removed?”;

Inside, the office is quiet; no one’s speaking a word,
No meetings are scheduled, no hot air to be heard;
The phones are not ringing; no VP’s are to be seen,
The only incoming emails are marked “User Quarantine”
But while surfing the web there arose a shrill whistle,
It made me sit up and my hair began to bristle;
So I strode over to the common area and what did I see?
It was just Kateryna making a cup of hot tea.

The few people that are here act like they’re under the gun,
Pretending to work, but not fooling anyone;
Personal emails are flying without any stopping,
Look! John is doing some last minute online shopping;
He interrupted himself to come and see me,
To pump me for information about his new VP;
To make a good impression he intends to buy a new shirt and pants,
I sure hope his girlfriend helps him so he’ll have half a chance;
I told him not to worry, not to worry a bit,
The company looked long and hard to find a VP that would be a good fit;

And now, as I sit here daydreaming about our vacation in June,
I don’t think that I’ll be here much past the stroke of noon;
So for those of you who would normally be here but decided to abort,
Don’t worry about a thing, we’re holding down the fort.